I’ve always been a taciturn, be it for the sake of my family, be it for the sake of my society. I’ve witnessed a rebellion lady been ridiculed, scorned and character assassinated so often that I almost thought it really was a sin to be like that. In these 22 years of life, I have lived many lives, a daughter, a sister, a mentor, a friend and one thing common in all those was my compliance. I would never break the unarticulated yet mandatory rules in my society. To be an ideal daughter, I myself cut my wings and then restrained my voice and my inner self. I really don’t allege anyone for this, cause the one ignoring my inner voice was noone else but me. The first time I got my menstruation I confined myself into a room and refrained myself from all the chores. All these years it wasn’t the society who stopped me from doing stuffs in my menstruation period but it was always me who imposed every restrictions on my little self. I would not sit in the Pooja as I was bleeding and thought it would be immoral to provoke God like that. There are festivals where I have cried to myself because I planned lots of things without keeping in mind the fact that I bleed. I had watched everyone enjoying from afar and cursed myself for being born as a girl, but couldn’t ever gather courage to join them anyway. Perhaps I never realized that the mental pain in these periods was eating me up more than the physical.
For years I have prevented myself from speaking up inorder to protect myself from being exposed and noticed. I would not speak for the sufferers around me cause I thought it was the life they deserve, they got what they signed up for. I never pondered over that fact that why only women are facing all these extremities while men, on the other side, would be declared as real men even when they do unrighteous activity. Nevertheless, society is not be blamed for anything because these rules; you won’t find them written in any epic book or any believed prophecy, neither in any grantha nor chanted as any hymn, they are unspoken, unexpressed and unfounded resistances. They are like the air around us, we cannot see them, but yes they are there and our deprived existence is the proof.
A bit late but finally I’ve realized how in the process of becoming so called ideal woman of my so called society, I have forgotten to live the only life that I have been granted. It’s not society who is going to be accountable when I fail but it’s me and it’s totally my take to choose whichever route I want to go.
To all the people like me out there,
If we still try to become ideal child to our unideal society, we would never be able to become ideal parents to our upcoming generations.
Someday when I will have child of my own, it wouldn’t take them 22 years of their life to realize that the life they are living is utterly theirs and if they don’t fit in, they can definitely outrun it.I reckon it always should be humane, rather than man or woman.
P.S. This Dashain is finally certain for me no matter what date the calendar displays.